Monday, 12 December 2011

TUTORIAL - 15 Ways To Become An Elite Hockey Player

Are you a young hockey player on the cusp of greatness? Are you looking for a few extra tips to put you over the bubble and help you become an elite hockey player?

Well, you're in luck. We have comprised a list of 15 methods that have been put through a gruelling series of tests. All of these methods passed with well above satisfactory results.

  1. Save energy by not skating the puck up the ice when Vesa Toskala is the opposing goaltender. Try shooting the puck from your own zone instead.
  2. When on the powerplay, avoid passing the puck to Dion Phaneuf for a one-timer. He doesn't actually hit the net... EVER!
  3. Avoid signing a contract for more money than you deserve. At first greed may overtake you, but statistics show that shortly after signing you will be traded to a minor-midget team - The Montreal Canadiens.
  4. Have a genius general manager draft both you and your twin brother to the same team to likely play your entire careers together with unrivaled chemistry. (See the Sedin twins)
  5. Request a trade to the Northeast division to maximize the amount of games played against the Ottawa Senators
  6. Avoid contact with other players hockey sticks. Through extensive research it's been proven that even the slightest touch of an opposing players stick can cause temporary paralysis of the arm or even entire body while on the ice. (See Alex Kovalev -1995 with Craig Wolanin, 2004 with Travis Green)
  7. Play a full season with Joe Thornton to win the Maurice Richard trophy. (See Jonathan Cheechoo)
  8. If possible, request a trade to the same team as Matt Cooke, you've gotta figure he wont cripple his own teammate, right?
  9. If you've missed your opportunity to play against Glenn Healy and cement yourself as an NHL great, there's still hope. Take the upcoming opportunity to shoot the puck at him while he is in between the benches. Your coach will thank you later when he doesn't have to hear Healy's commentary while reviewing the game tapes and reward you with power play time.
  10. On your first shift against the Anaheim Ducks, shoot the puck at Jonas Hiller's head rather than trying to score. Statistics show an 80% scoring increase when Hiller is playing concussed.
  11. If Ed Belfour is screaming, "I'm gonna murder you" while you skate in on a breakaway on him, softly toss the puck into his pad. He's serious and yes that is whisky you smell as your approach the crease.
  12. Signing a contract of 15 years or longer is proven to cause an outbreak of injuries which may keep you out of action for the majority of seasons at a time. (See Rick DiPietro)
  13. When Glen Sather offers you more than $7 million/year, you should know that you're career is likely finished or on a very steady decline. (See Bobby Holik, Wade Redden, Scott Gomez, Chris Drury, etc.)
  14. Remember, your goalie is the guy with the same jersey as you. You WILL NOT be awarded points when scoring on your own net. (See Brian McCabe)
  15. If all else fails, snap your head back when fighting for the puck. There's an 84% chance you will draw a penalty and hopefully get a point on the ensuing powerplay.
Good luck to all of you future hockey superstars.